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Since my last post forever ago, I started going to a Zumba class 3 times a week. One of these days was Zumba Toning, where we danced with weights for an hour. My body changed. I got defined abs. I got defined arm and thigh muscles. My ass looked amazing. I got strong. I was still careful about my diet, but every day I’d at least eat 2 protein-rich snacks before class and I ate a real meal, even pasta, that I’d cook each evening either after the class or after my husband and I got home.

Then in February, I decided to travel from the country I live in to finish up my online degree in person. I had no time to exercise. My body changed. There was no scale in my Airbnb and I had no time to buy one. Then I got evacuated to the country I grew up in and have been here a total of two months, moving to my parents’ house after 2 weeks in quarantine.

I haven’t had access to a scale or gym since February. We eat a huge meal together every day. I can’t restrict like I did when I was back in school, and working out to YouTube videos without weights isn’t working. I’m soft again. My fat bounces again. I can’t stand to see my naked body in the mirror when I change clothes or shower. I disgust myself and have no idea how much damage I’ve done to my weight.

It’s 4:30am and I am awake because I had a nightmare about weighing myself and seeing a number over 20lbs higher than my weight 5 months ago. I’m drinking my black coffee watching the sunrise outside my parents’ kitchen window wondering if I can make myself go back to purging again. My throat has felt so much better since I stopped needing to do that, but I am desperate. I have to press to feel my ribs. I don’t want to live in a body that disgusts me. I don’t know what else to do until the airports open for international travel and I can return to my home with my residency since only citizens have been given the right to evacuate to the country where I live…the country where my husband and cat live…the country where I have control over my daytime food and can control my portions at dinner…the country where I have the security that only my husband can give me…the country where I have my home.

My anorexia in the time of COVID has been a struggle. I don’t know how long I’ll be stuck in this struggle. I don’t know how I’ll continue to live with this struggle. I just don’t know, and all I want in life is to go home and get a taste of the control I crave and love.