I’m just so unhappy all the time. I was my FIL’s primary caretaker and he died in March. He was 88 and had lung cancer, but he was at home until he fell and broke his hip. His last night at home was spent alone on the floor and in pain. He died alone in a cold, hard hospital bed instead of comfortably in his soft bed under his favorite purple blanket. I blame myself. He had a lung infection that probably made him weaker and contributed to his fall. I heard him coughing, but I didn’t want to take him to the hospital until 2 weeks had passed after his second Covid vaccine. I kept him sick. I made him die the way he did. I don’t deserve to live. I’ve lost 17 kilos since the day I found him on the floor of his bedroom. I wish I could kill myself, but my husband is struggling and he needs me. I don’t think he could handle another loss.
We have a sexless marriage. We’ve had sex 5 times this whole year. He associates sex with his infertility. I associate sex with love. I am in mourning because of this fundamental change in the way I now have to learn to define marriage. I pray that I can learn to accept it and move on from wanting sexual intimacy with him. I pray for this every single day. I’ve been praying for this for the past 2 years. I am so miserable without sexual intimacy. I feel so distant from him in my role as his wife. We have literally every other form of intimacy anyone could ever dream of in a marriage, so I just don’t know why I can’t let this go. I want to let it go so badly. But I also want to go to marriage counseling, but I just can’t bring it up because he’s always in such a dark place and sex is such a sensitive topic for him. I feel like our marriage is incomplete and I don’t think he’ll ever move on and accept our infertility without professional guidance. I don’t think I’ll ever move on and accept that I have to define marriage as a union without sexual intimacy without professional guidance. I feel so sad about this all the time. It’s on my mind all the time because I want to talk to him about it, but I know that I can’t. He’s not in a place where he can deal with this on top of all his other stressors. I just wish I could die and leave this all behind. I have plans and backup plans. I want to use them so badly. I want to leave so badly. But I know he can’t handle another loss, so I stay. I love him so I stay for him. And I just keep praying. It’s all I can do.
M