Tags
ana, anna, anorexia, anorixia, anxiety, body dismorphia, body image, bulimia, control, diet, disgust, disordered thinking, eating disorder, ED, fat, mia, pro ana, pro anna, pro ED, pro mia, proana, promia, purge, self loathing, stress, vomit
Since my last post forever ago, I started going to a Zumba class 3 times a week. One of these days was Zumba Toning, where we danced with weights for an hour. My body changed. I got defined abs. I got defined arm and thigh muscles. My ass looked amazing. I got strong. I was still careful about my diet, but every day I’d at least eat 2 protein-rich snacks before class and I ate a real meal, even pasta, that I’d cook each evening either after the class or after my husband and I got home.
Then in February, I decided to travel from the country I live in to finish up my online degree in person. I had no time to exercise. My body changed. There was no scale in my Airbnb and I had no time to buy one. Then I got evacuated to the country I grew up in and have been here a total of two months, moving to my parents’ house after 2 weeks in quarantine.
I haven’t had access to a scale or gym since February. We eat a huge meal together every day. I can’t restrict like I did when I was back in school, and working out to YouTube videos without weights isn’t working. I’m soft again. My fat bounces again. I can’t stand to see my naked body in the mirror when I change clothes or shower. I disgust myself and have no idea how much damage I’ve done to my weight.
It’s 4:30am and I am awake because I had a nightmare about weighing myself and seeing a number over 20lbs higher than my weight 5 months ago. I’m drinking my black coffee watching the sunrise outside my parents’ kitchen window wondering if I can make myself go back to purging again. My throat has felt so much better since I stopped needing to do that, but I am desperate. I have to press to feel my ribs. I don’t want to live in a body that disgusts me. I don’t know what else to do until the airports open for international travel and I can return to my home with my residency since only citizens have been given the right to evacuate to the country where I live…the country where my husband and cat live…the country where I have control over my daytime food and can control my portions at dinner…the country where I have the security that only my husband can give me…the country where I have my home.
My anorexia in the time of COVID has been a struggle. I don’t know how long I’ll be stuck in this struggle. I don’t know how I’ll continue to live with this struggle. I just don’t know, and all I want in life is to go home and get a taste of the control I crave and love.