TRIGGER WARNING: CALORIE AND WEIGHT NUMBERS
I’m trying to edit an article so that I can get it approved for publication, but I can’t focus. I can’t focus because I’ve been under 500 calories a day for the past week or so and today, I am scared to eat. I tried to eat a baby carrot and I started to cry. I actually can’t do it. Usually at night, I’ve been eating while watching TV so that I don’t really realize what I’m doing. I’m pretty sure that is the only way I’m going to be able to eat until my husband gets back from the trip he’s on right now. I need him to ground me and keep me focused, and without him here, I am just so overwhelmed by self hate. I had 2 failed IVF attempts back to back. The process began in November and stretched through January. During that time, I gained 30lbs. 30. None of my clothes fit and we spent almost all our money on this horribly failed process. While my husband is gone, I’ve been spending 2 hours a day exercising, and then forcing myself to choke down enough food to let me get through the day and sleep through the night. And even so, I’ve only lost 5lb in the last 2 weeks.I feel like I fail at everything. Every article I’ve ever submitted comes back with a thousand requested corrections, I can’t have a baby, and I can’t even be a hot thin wife if I have to be a childless one.
I’m going to sit in front of the TV and eat 10 baby carrots with a diet dr pepper and then maybe I’ll be able to focus. I hate this life so much. I hate being afraid of food. I’m just so very, very tired.