I just thought to myself, “I should take some K so I can feel like myself.”
Kolonopin makes me functional, but I feel like an addict. I hate feeling like the medicine owns me. I hate being dependent. I hate being weak. I hate this diagnosis. I hate that taking the medicine means I no longer have the lows, but only at the expense of giving up the highs. I miss the manic days. I miss those brief flashes where I felt invincible and unstoppable. Where I felt brilliant and like I could work forever. The only way to never feel suicidel again is to never feel invincible again. The only way to maintain this balance is with the pills. I hate that this medicine owns me. I want to be free and in control. And I never will be again.