So. I let things get bad. I went over a month without digesting a thing, and I got sick. I got so sick that I couldn’t manage the fine motor skills needed to button my pants without at least 7mg of codeine in my system. I got so sick that I had to budget 20 extra minutes to walk to a meeting 10 minutes away because I’d get so dizzy that I’d have to stop and rest against a wall every couple of minutes. I got so sick that my boss told me I might have to file for a leave of absence because I was no longer getting my work done. I got so sick that I told my husband the truth. I got so sick that I begged my psychiatrist for help. I got so sick that I stopped caring about my weight or the way I look or what anyone else thought of me, and hitting that point was what I needed to really start pushing forward on my road to, if not recovery, slightly less fucked up-ity.

My doctors and my husband have been nothing but supportive and I honestly don’t think I’d have been able to try to move forward without them. I wish I had great advice for everyone out there wading through this alone, but if there’s anyone you know you can turn to without fear of judgment, I really hope you do. Online friends are every bit as important as IRL folk, and there’s a much wider pool of people who may be able to help.

I’ve put away my measuring cups, which was the absolute hardest part of all this for me, and I have food based rituals with my husband and close friends. Every morning we make oatmeal together, the really good, old fashioned kind on the stove. At work, I eat lunch with my good friend and office mate. Every evening I either have dinner with a friend or my husband. I subscribed to graze box so I now receive 4 small, pre-packaged snacks in the mail once a week. I pay someone them $6 a week to plan my snacks for me just so I don’t have to do it myself. If that’s something you’d be interested in trying out, let me know and I’ll send you my code so you can get your first and fifth boxes free.

I’ve also started going to a pain management center where I work with a Chiropracter, acupuncturist and physical therapist twice a week. I’m not going to lie, even though my insurance covers these visits, the copay is killing me because each clinician bills separately. But, it’s helping me to keep the chronic pain issues under control without drugging myself out of my mind.

The other thing I’ve been doing is reading fat/body acceptance books and blogs and blogs advocating the health at every size movement. I’ve especially enjoyed”The Millitant Baker,” although there are a lot of images that is normally view as reverse thinspo, and I’ve had kind of a hard time managing that. I’ve also read “Two Whole Cakes: How To Stop Dieting and Love The Body You Have.” I liked that a lot, and it really made me question why exactly I’ve spent so many hours of my life that I’ll never get back focused explicitly on making myself miserable. There’s also the added advantage that this book doesn’t have any potentially triggering pictures if you’re interested in checking it out.

I haven’t weighed myself in over a week, but I don’t look much bigger. I still feel the weight of my thigh fat pulling and stretching my skin with every step I take, but so long as I wear skinny or slim cut pants, I’m able to ignore it. Physically I feel so much better and I am in a much better mental place. I hope this lasts a while. I’m ready to be done with self-induced misery.