My nails are peeling. This is how it usually starts. Next will be my hair. It will start falling out in bits, then in clumps. Then I’ll start coughing up blood and then I’ll start tearing my skin and getting those little hairline fractures in my bones every time I bump into anything.
I’m not a teenager anymore and I don’t bounce back as quickly as I used to. I KNOW this, but it is just so much work to fight my urge to restrict, burn and purge. I have an exercise class I go to regularly twice a week and I try not to do anything other than toning (like situps and squats with light weights) and walking outside of it. I try to only weigh myself at the doctor’s as much as possible so that I don’t fixate on the numbers all the time, but I have a rhumatologist, gastroenterologist, endocrinologist, gynecologist, immunologist and hematologist all in addition to my general practitioner (Spoiler alert: Anorexia and bulimia kind of wreck your health) that I end up going to a doctor at least twice a month. The only doctor that doesn’t weigh me is my psychiatrist, but I haven’t found the time to make an appointment with her in almost a year. I used to track my calories to make sure I kept in the “healthy” range between 600 and 1200, but that’s just felt like so much work lately. That probably means it’s time to call the psychiatrist. Usually, if I haven’t been able to make myself eat for a few days, I’m able to get past it and actually eat a normal amount of food (like an amount that doesn’t make people worry) if I take half a milligram of xanax about 20 minutes before I want to eat. I wish I felt hungry like a normal person. I feel weak, and shaky, and cranky, and sometimes I even feel so empty that I am cold inside. But I never actually feel that sensation of an empty stomach that needs food. When I’m cold, I want tea. When I’m tired, I want coffee. When I’ve gone under 600 calories, I need food. I can’t tell when I’m hungry, I can’t tell when I’m full, and chewing is just so much effort.
I I cooked a big meal today, all good, healthy food with only olive oil as a fat and some cubed potatoes mixed in with the chicken breast and vegetables as the only starch. Even a big serving can’t possibly go over 400 calories, so I need to eat it. I can usually eat when my husband is with me, although I prefer to just make the food and watch him eat it. I don’t want to die though, so today I’m going to eat. And tomorrow I’m going to call my psychiatrist and see about getting some more xanax. Tea and vitamins are not a meal, and though they might help me delay death, they’re not going to do it very well or for very long. So today, I’m going to eat. And I’ll deal with tomorrow when I get there.