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WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS FOOD LISTS THAT MAY BE TRIGGERING FOR PEOPLE WITH EATING DISORDERS.  IF YOU ARE IN RECOVERY, PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT THIS POST DISCUSSES UNHEALTHY BEHAVIOR IN A POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING MANNER. 

It’s almost 5pm.

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Today I’ve had coffee with skim milk, 2 bananas, some baby carrots, water and my special drink.  I wish this didn’t feel so good, but it really, really does.    I’m at that pre-starvation point where all I feel is powerful and enlightened and safe and in control.  I have so much focus and am getting so much work done.  Today I really feel like I haven’t let anyone down and that means so much to me.  I feel like I have more responsibility at home and at work than I deserve, but when I’m with Ana, I feel like I can handle it all.  I know that this is such a slippery slope to start down, but right now, in the very, very short run, it feels so unbelievably good.

I feel light and slightly detached from everything.  It’s such a beautifully addictive feeling, even though I know all too well what happens when I start chasing it too hard.  I’ll eat when my husband gets home and we’ll share the socially acceptable bonding experience that comes with sharing food.  I like eating with him, as much as I hate eating right now.  I’m glad he’s around to eat with so I don’t fall too far off the wagon during this stressful period in my life.  I’m very lucky to have someone who I want to be healthy for.  He will never understand my need for perfection, but he tries to be understanding, and that’s more than anyone else has ever offered me.  I need to remind myself to stay on the healthy path for him and for our life and for everyone who depends on me in our family and at work.  But right now, I’m just enjoying this beautiful feeling.  Right now, I’m floating.

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